Melonie Johnson

This is another episode in appliance hell; the last of which included an exploding microwave (which, by the way, is still awaiting a happy ending (ie – a new microwave – nope, I haven’t bought one yet…it’s a good thing we really don’t use one too often around here).

This installment of appliance hell concerns those workhorse appliances: the handy dandy machines that keep our clothes clean clean and smelling fresh – your washer and dryer. Now, mind you – our current w/d were in a pretty sad state when we became their proud owners (along with the house they came in). The washer would flood if you tried to use the extra large capacity setting, and the dryer had a broken handle (managed to fix that so I didn’t have to keep wedging a coat hanger into it every time I wanted to open it) and a cracked piece on the inside drum that clothes would snag on and get severely tangled (or worse, would rip). Yeah, it kinda sucked – but for the most part they did the job, so I couldn’t justify buying new…especially in light of all the other crap that DIDN’T work and DID need to be fixed.
And so I chugged along, doing laundry – if not happily, at least consistently. Until the last month or so when the dryer started to sound like a screeching, moaning animal. Aw, heck – it was still drying clothes, and yeah…it’ll probably break soon…but the old girl still had some life in her yet, so we’ll press our luck. Then, bam! A sneak attack from her sister appliance! Here I am just dreading the moment the dryer up and dies, when it’s the washer that croaks first. Yep – went in to put a load in the dryer and found the clothes still soaking wet. No big deal, I think – I’ll just run the spin cycle again. So I did this…twice. Then after some experimentation, I realize the washer isn’t spinning. And I don’t have to be Martha Stewart to realize that: no spinn-ey, no dry-ey. After playing pioneer days with the husband and wringing out clothes by hand, I immediately jump on-line to research appliances. Happy Easter, Home Depot – here we come.

I can’t pretend that a part of me isn’t happy with the situation; aside from the expense and inconvenient timing, I’m glad the w/d decided to bow out and make the decision for us…because, despite my kinship with this woman and her appliance fantasy, I just can’t see dumping such a load of cash for anything less than absolute necessity. Though the giant catapult is very tempting… (I just love the fact they include a warning not to attempt this at home, uh-oh, better cancel that order for the giant Medieval Catapult Kit).

Speaking of that commercial, apparently the concept of a woman lusting for new appliances is gauche…several sites are lambasting LG for the advertisement; like these grouchy old people whining. Oh, lighten up; have you never owned a faulty appliance? Clearly, you must not have…or you’d surely be able to empathize. Then there are these people who like to feel superior by complaining about stuff they hate in commercials , I’m sure these same blowhards who are getting all bent out of shape about a chick wishing to demolish her current appliances also think the scene from Office Space where the cubicle boys take a baseball bat to the scanner/copier just totally rocks. (BTW, if you do a YouTube search for “Office Space” & “Copier” or “Fax” or “Smash” etc, you would not believe the number of people who have re-enacted this scene with their own electronics. Go ahead…do a search).

As for whining about stereotypes…a woman doesn’t have to be Donna Reed to get excited about a washing machine…in fact, I doubt Donna ever wished she could take a jackhammer to her appliances. Or if she did, she just added that to her overstuffed closet of repressed urges.

So, no, while I did not tie my w/d to the train tracks or drop them off a cliff while wearing an evening gown, I shall be saying goodbye to them with as much glee as the woman with the catapult.

Appliance Hell

Ok, so being pregnant, I anticipated I might be faced with the task of explaining to my 4 year old “WHERE BABIES COME FROM.” Having had a c-section with her, and planning a c-section with this one – I had an easy escape route for the conversation about how baby comes out (so that scar is good for something). Somehow, however, I have managed to escape this talk for now as she seems to simply accept that Mamas have babies.

Lately though, other questions have been popping up – leading to topics and discussions I just wasn’t planning to have so soon. My daughter, let me try and say this objectively, is very bright – and listens carefully to the conversations around her (more carefully than her father and I realize sometimes). The first issue I had hoped not to broach for some time to come is death. For some time, Aishtyn has been aware that people can be missing from our lives – my grandmother passed away when Aishtyn was a year old. Obviously she doesn’t remember her death – but she does see pictures of my grandmother holding her – and wants to know “where Great Granny went?” Lately, Aishtyn’s questions have become more in-depth – she wants to know more. Thankfully, it was not the death of a family member that sparked this deeper interest. My father-in-law had a dog who died recently, and as we were heading over for a visit, Aishtyn was looking forward to seeing the dog. Well, I had to explain that Patch was “gone” – I tried to use a…more delicate term, but she looked at me and asked, “Is he dead?” Well, “yes” I had to reply. This wasn’t too devastating for her – we went to my FIL’s house only 2 or 3 times a year, so it was a loss she really couldn’t feel too intensely. Her mental wheels had been set in motion though, because she began to ask about my dog, Thisbe – who – if you’ve read some of my earlier posts, doesn’t live with us, but with my parents. Aishtyn still manages to see Thisbe often, and adores that little fluffball. She wanted to know if Thisbe was going to die, I had to explain that, yes, one day Thisbe will die. Fear creeping into her voice, she asked if I would die…again, I had to say that yes – one day I, as all living things one day do, will die. This news started to get her really upset, and my husband and I both tried to explain that while sad, death is a part of life (I believe I tossed a Lion King circle of life reference out there) and it does no good to worry and get upset about something we can’t predict or prevent. The important thing, I said, is to enjoy the time we have now – to love each other and be thankful for each day we get to be together, and to make sure that we have lots and lots of memories for the time when we won’t be able to make anymore. By the time the conversation was over she seemed to accept the concept, and I realized that in teaching her – I had reminded myself of a very important lesson we seem to easily forget in the day to day routine.

The other topic (brought up in the same car ride as the first one!) is a little easier to handle – but a parenting hurdle, nonetheless. Aishtyn asked us if the Easter Bunny was real. Oh boy…this could be quite the slippery slope – and if the Easter Bunny isn’t real…than what about the Tooth Fairy? Or Santa?!? So I decided to give an answer that had enough truth in it to avoid an outright lie, and enough fiction in it to keep the childhood icon alive. I explained that all the Easter Bunnies she saw at the mall and at Easter egg hunts were pretend (losers in costume, was I believe, my husband’s contribution to the conversation). I also explained how Dad and I hide some of the eggs she hunts for, just like we leave some of the presents under the Christmas tree for her – because the Easter Bunny, like Santa, doesn’t have time to leave a ton of eggs/presents for each child. “The Easter Bunny,” I said, “is a mystery – I’ve never actually seen him, so I don’t know what he looks like, but I like the baskets he leaves on Easter!”

I believe she still believes. The ironic thing is – I think it’s more important to me that she continues to believe than it is to her…I selfishly want to hold on to that part of her childhood for as long as possible.

Though sneaking down to her college dorm to hide Easter eggs might be going too far.

A dream come true?

Conversations I Wasn’t Execting to Have…Just Yet