Melonie Johnson

“It’s Called PUNishment not FUNishment”

January 14, 2010Kids, Uncategorized, WritingWrite a comment

So said the late great Bernie Mac. Upon hearing those words, my husband decided that particular phrase must get marked down in his parental lexicon to be referenced for later use. Also included are Red Foreman’s ( That 70’s Show) variations on calling people a dumbass, and the one he currently employs regularly to the eternal frustration of Miss A: “Ok right now.” I believe he got that last one from Office Space. Whenever Miss A is dawdling (which is pretty much all the time) the husband will start in with the “What I want you to do now, ok right now, is to put your shoes on, ok right now, and then, ok right now…” it drives her completely nuts and usually results in her attacking him with what she likes to call “the neck chain” rather than actually completing whatever task he was attempting to get her to do. Yet he continues to do it.

Personally, I think he enjoys making her flip out.

Do all fathers share that? Do they all get a secret thrill out completely ticking their kids off just by repeating an oft-used and much hated turn of phrase?

I know my Dad did. Ugh. Even now I can hear him telling me “I can’t never did do anything.” You’d think, as much as that phrase annoyed me, I’d stop saying “I can’t!”

But guess what, I was a kid…”I can’t” is pretty much par for the course.

I get what he was saying, I get the message he was trying to teach me about not giving up. As an adult I can even appreciate the witty wording…but still…to this day that phrase raises my hackles.

Miss A says “I can’t” all the time. It is incredibly frustrating and I want her to cut it out and at least try her best…but I’ll tell you what…

I am VERY proud to say that I have never, not ever, responded by telling her “I can’t never did do anything.”

I just can’t do it.

When Being a Loser = Winning…Starting the Decade Right

January 10, 2010Life, Uncategorized, Working OutWrite a comment

Tomorrow I’m joining a group of friends to start a 12 week Biggest Loser contest…we did one the fall of 2008 and I won! It was a great way to get rid of all the weight I put on with Lil’ G. The problem is, I’m still carrying some extra pounds I gained when pregnant with Miss A…and she’s 6.

So, this is it, the start of a new decade, and one in which I don’t want to waste anymore time wishing I’d look better in a swimsuit or running in terror from the thought of trying to find a pair of jeans I look good in.

I have always been active and enjoyed exercise, I have never been a “bad” eater, I think I have more bad habits than anything else – mainly not eating all day and then, since I’m starving by dinnertime, eating too much. I won’t even get started on genetics and all that – I know that my inherited DNA makes losing weight an extra hard uphill battle, but I refuse to let that be an excuse for me not to go for it.

Yep, that's me on the scale before I'm even a year old.

Besides, there’s a lot of cash on the line!

And I really love to win.

My Gripe With GirlScout Cookie Time

January 8, 2010Kids, UncategorizedWrite a comment

Miss A is a Daisy Girl Scout, which I don’t think they had around when I was her age (I was a Brownie, which now doesn’t start until 2nd grade).

As a homechool kid, it took some effort to get her involved in a troop – last year I was lucky enough to know another homeschool mom who was a troop leader and invited Aishtyn into the troop. This year that wasn’t an option, so I begged our way into another friend’s troop. It’s a good thing, because the charter school Miss A was just accepted into doesn’t have a Girl Scout troop either.

I love Girl Scouts, Miss A makes new friends, learns how to be a good citizen, and has fun doing all sorts of activities and crafts. (Like Christmas Caroling with these really cool home-made flame-less “candles” I have to show you how they made these sometime, they are really neat!)

This year, Miss A will take part in that classic Girl Scout tradition – COOKIE SELLING.

My idea of selling Girl Scout cookies involved setting up shop in front of a bookstore or StarBucks and letting the incredibly charming Miss A sell away.

Apparently, you can’t do that. To sell in commercial locations, the whole troop needs to be involved.

Plan B: the plan I think many girls implement – is to give the list to their parents to take to work. Um…no…there is no way the husband is pimping cookies at work. I know him, and he just won’t do it. (Thanks Dad, for helping me sell enough cookies when I was a kid to stack boxes higher than my head!)

So I guess it will have to be the “classic” method. Door to door solicitation. Which would be fine except for the fact that we live in the MidWest and it’s the start of January.

And therein lies my gripe with Girl Scout Cookie time.

Aside from asking girls to trek through snow and subzero temps to peddle Peanut Butter Patties, I question the wisdom of this choice for other reasons.

January? Really?

What makes you think that trying to sell people cookies the same week they are all making resolutions to lose weight and eat healthy is a good idea? Everyone just dropped all their extra cash on a gym membership or fancy piece of exercise equipment…they will have no dough left for a $4 box of Tag-a-whatevers!

And if they didn’t spend money on the above, they are probably still broke from the holidays. Not to mention completely cookied out from all the seasonal goodies and treats.

This is Miss A’s first year, so maybe I am unaware – do they sell cookies again at other times of the year?

And just to clarify, I love Girl Scouts, this is not a negative comment on them – it’s just one mom’s gripe.

Now, who wants to buy some cookies?

The List of Shame

January 3, 2010IMO, Music, Time Wasters, UncategorizedWrite a comment

We all have them, those songs that we should probably be too “something” for – too old, too cool, too un-cool, too non-conventional, too mainstream, too whatever..but despite it all, we still love them.

Or maybe we know a song is really bad: the lyrics are beyond awful, the singer had enough electronic assistance and back-up singers to start a dozen bands, the tune is obviously trying too hard to be catchy and you MUST resist…but somehow you…can’t…(imagine that last part in the voice of Cpt. Kirk).

Case in point: I just bought a song from itunes from a singer I really can’t stand…really. Lady GaGa is more Lady GagGag to me, and when that new Bad Romance song of hers comes on the radio I shriek like I’ve been bitten by a hyena and clutch at the stereo dial, praying I can get the damn song off before my head explodes from the awfulness. Yet, somehow, I find myself really liking another of her songs. Everytime Paparazzi comes on the radio, I find it still playing in my head hours later – and I like it. So I caved, and for just under $3, bought a series of 4 remixes of the song. There, I admitted it.

Which made me think of other songs I liked, but if anyone caught me singing it (or rocking out to it in the car, yikes), I wouldn’t deny it, but would feel I had to justify it somehow…or at least acknowledge that I should be embarrassed by my poor taste in music.

So here we go – my list of Top 10 Songs I Should Probably Be Ashamed To Admit I Like

10. As discussed above, Paparazzi by Lady GaGa

9. I am a mom to a 6 year old, which means I have accepted that Hannah Montana is going to be a part of my life. But I admit I really like some of her songs, especially Hoedown Throwdown

Somehow it goes against my principles to like songs from an American Idol winner, but sometimes they are just so darn catchy! So that reason alone, covers the following 3:

8. That Jordin Sparks song…One Step At a Time

7. Before He Cheats Double Whammy: an American Idol winner AND a country song!

6. Battlefield again by Jordin Sparks – I was kind of irritated by this song when I first heard it, (steal from Pat Benatar much?) but the more I hear it (and it’s rather hard to escape it) the more it grows on me…like a fungus.

5. 1,2,3,4 by Plain White Tees – Lil’ G really likes this song, and in a year or two, probably could have written the lyrics for it…but I have to say, I like it too.

4. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake Crazy women who go to court for beating their husbands doing naughty things to the hood of a car aside, there’s something about this song that just makes you want to belt it out at the top of your lungs.

3. Fallout Boy – I Don’t Care Really? Fallout Boy? I know, but I love to run to this song.

2. Taylor Swift – Love Story I suppose I shouldn’t be embarrassed, based on the number of awards this girl has won even Jesus buys her music, which kind of makes me wish I didn’t like it (the whole not wanting to like what everybody else likes).

1. Nickelback….So Far Away Ok, this one I am truly ashamed of…of all the bands out there, Nickelback is one of the biggest jokes – poser rock to the extreme, Google Dolls squared. But this one song, I like it… alot.

I am sure there are more…oh so many more…but those are the ones I could think of right away.

So embrace your bad taste and be proud: what songs do you love when you rather wish you didn’t?

The Santa List

December 22, 2009Celebrations, Kids, Products, UncategorizedWrite a comment

Miss A’s Christmas Wishlist is long and just keeps getting longer. No, there is no freakin’ way she will be getting everything on her list, not now at Christmas, nor at her birthday, nor maybe ever.

Aside from the fact that we’d have no money left for college (or next month’s electric bill), some stuff she asks for is very spur of the moment, Gimme! Gimme! – and that’s the kind of stuff I know she can simply do without. For the most part, though, I make sure she gets what she really wants – and will go out of my way (like ordering Charlie and Lola dolls from the UK, or digging up vintage Littlest Pet Shops on E-bay) to find and buy something if she sticks with a particular request for awhile.

Here are the two items she asked for from Santa this year:

She saw this at a friend's house and calls it a "Dog Dress Up Set." Thanks Christine for helping me locate this!

Front and center you can see the dolphin I managed to find on e-bay...apparently Sea World put out a series of LPS toys in the '90s.

Overall, I think I earn my gold Mama star in the gift department. Our Santa policy is that you can only ask for one or two things from the big man in red, because he has a lot of kids to take care of, and there just isn’t room for too many toys per kid in his sack. This way, she keeps her list with Santa (whether writing a letter to him or sitting on his lap) short and sweet – and I know the things she asks for from him are what she REALLY wants, more than anything, and that’s what I will work extra hard to make sure she finds on Christmas morning.

So I kinda brought the difficult toy hunt upon myself, because it seems Miss A has decided that if a toy can be found in a store, than that doesn’t go on the Santa list. For example, she originally planned to ask Santa for one of those FurReal cats…but then she saw it in a certain store that starts with a W and told me, “I’m not going to ask Santa for that. If it’s here in the store, you can get it for me!”

That kid is sharp.

I have to admit, I like our Santa policy – sure it can make me have to frantically hunt for things not commonly sold in stores – but it also lets my husband and I enjoy the lion’s share of credit for presents.

And yes, I admit to enjoying basking in the glow of juvenile gift gratification.

Edward is watching you…while you pee.

December 9, 2009Products, UncategorizedWrite a comment

Let’s just take a look at this for a moment, shall we?

I really don’t need to say anything more.

This gem, along with 9 other Twilighterrific products, is from a post my darling husband sent to me. The man loves to tease me since I read all the Twilight books this past October (and made him watch the first movie with me when I NetFlixed it, and then went out and watched the second movie with a friend). I enjoyed the series, but I am by no means a fan, and certainly not one who would hope to see anything from THIS LIST under the tree Christmas morning.

Aside from the creepy shower curtain, my favorites included:

Dude, if a guy actually made it far enough with a girl who would slip these on in the first place…he just might be weird enough to go ahead and slip them off.

With his fake vampire teeth.

Because you know he’s wearing them.

It’s how he got her into bed to begin with.

And of course, once he got those undies off, he’ll need one of these – because DEAR GOD PLEASE DON’T REPRODUCE!

And my husband’s personal favorite, more for the poster’s comment about attacking it with a lead pipe in the middle of the night than anything else…

All’s I gotta say is that there is no way that thing is going into a bedroom like that…there needs to be waaaaaaay more stuffed animals.

And I Declare That All My Heroines Shall Be Bootylicious

November 24, 2009Uncategorized, WritingWrite a comment

I’ve learned a few things along my NaNo 2009 journey, some of which I already knew: like trying to write when the kids are around is simply FFF: (Freakin’…or Flippin’…or the other less polite choice) Futile and Frustrating. I can blog with the kids afoot, literally. Lil G’ is pulling on my leg as I type this and Miss A is bombarding me with a series of questions like, “How much money is two quarters and one penny plus another quarter?” and “Why can I only blow up a balloon a little bit?”

So I’ll get that kind of writing done any time of day, the blogging and message board post kind – but the “real” writing – the story development/world building/dialogue and character stuff writing – that needs more focus and attention and I just can’t do it when I have my Mama hat on.

But I also learned that if you make the time, the story will come, and the more you write, the more story there is! I don’t feel like as I get more words on paper I am running out of things to write about. Instead, as I write the scenes in my head more scenes branch off and connect and fuel more stuff to write about!

One not so important yet still significant thing I have decided while writing this novel is that I will try to avoid making all my heroines redheads (I have an overwhelming affinity for this breed, as you may have noticed). In my NaNo novel, for example, the main character has black hair. However, I will grant one concession to my…vanity, I guess you could call it – or maybe self-indulgement is a better word (even though I’m not sure that’s a real word at all): in each story I create, all my heroines shall be bootylicious…that’s right – they will be blessed (or cursed, depending on how you look at it) with more than their fair share of junk in the trunk.

It will be my trademark; readers everywhere will say, “Oh, her – I love her books, all the female leads have big butts!” My book tours will be full of me autographing crazed fans’ backsides (ok, maybe not).

Well, hopefully they will love my books for many other reasons, but you get the idea.

And the men in my books – they will L-O-V-E their ladies with the lushly rounded bottoms. I think a preference for a bountiful booty is an endearing quality in a man, don’t you? Instantly ups the hero on the likability scale.

So tell me, is there any one thing about you personally that you can’t help but include in your characters?

NaNoWriMo