Ok – so I know that when you’re pregnant you have all these extra hormones racing around and aside from making you nauseous, tired, crabby or all of the above it can make you have some pretty freakin’ weird dreams.
Last night the dream was more unsettling than freaky. I dreamt that my new baby was born with Downs Syndrome, and that she seemed to love my sister more and preferred her attention and affection over mine. I woke up and though whatever, just a dream, right? Well, later that day I was at a holiday craft fair, and Aishtyn walks up to this little boy with Downs Syndrome and befriends him in her usual Aishtyn manner. That evening, I was reading the latest issue of Parenting magazine where a featured article concerned the life of a family whose 3rd child was born with Downs. All these events, insignificant and normal in their own right, are freaking me out for the simple reason that they occurred within less than 24 hours of each other.
I know everything is more than likely fine, and I am just suffering the hyper-worry that all moms-to-be go through, but it is still heart-wrenching.
At my last Dr’s visit, I turned down all the tests and screenings they do for things like Downs, simply because I don’t know what I could possibly do with that information. I don’t think I could terminate the pregnancy…aside from the fear that the results could be wrong, there is the fact that I have worked and known people with Downs and they lead happy, reasonably normal lives and are just as entitled to their chance at life as the rest of us. Of course I realize in some measure the strain such a situation will be to our family – but that cannot be reason enough to choose to end this child’s chance at life in this family.
All this of course is rambling – as I said, I didn’t take any of the tests or have any of the screenings done. And though a part of me is screaming to run into the office at my next Dr. appt saying, “YES! Give me the tests!” I don’t think I will – I fear how such tests may harm the baby, I worry about a false positive or an unclear answer – and finally, I think – if my worst fears are realized – I don’ t think I am ready to face that fear until and if it becomes a reality.
With Aishtyn I was so terrified of something – anything – going wrong. My husband and I seemed to be doing so well, our life was so smooth, that I figured it was tempting fate to assume we would have a perfect baby too. We were blessed though, and our baby girl was every miracle we could have asked for. Now the fear is, how dare I tempt fate twice? I know logically – statistically – I am healthy and strong and will give birth to a healthy and strong and “normal” baby…but you know, when you’re pregnant – logic sometimes has nothing to do with it.
So, while I try to encourage logic to win out – here’s something on a lighter note concerning the illogical side-effects of pregnancy: check out my list of cravings…to be updated as they hit me.