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Having Kids Wreaks Havoc on One’s Body Image

Kids, Life SucksWrite a comment

I’m not talking about the process of carrying, delivering, and breastfeeding a child (though, God knows that does enough damage to your body to make anyone wear unrelieved black from head to toe).

No. What I’m referring to is the unabashed, unwelcome observations that children (a certain 4 year old red head in particular) make about other people’s appearances.

This morning, as I was getting dressed, my daughter informed me that my backside was, “Thiiiiiis big.” Her arms stretching as far apart as they could go, like So Big of Edna Ferber fame.

Granted, I am not the only person to suffer the slings and arrows of her perusal. The following includes statements she has made to others about their appearances (I have omitted names to protect any sense of vanity said individuals may have left).

– “You have big tummy.”

– “Whoa, your belly jiggles.”

– “Your belly button is big and hairy, that’s silly.”

So, while I appreciate my daughter’s open honesty – there are still some things I’d prefer she keep to herself… and how big she thinks Mommy’s tushy is – well, that’s certainly one of them.

A Good Read? You can Bet on it.

Books, IMO, UncategorizedWrite a comment

Just had the ol’ bookclub meeting. Since I picked the book, I hosted – and we had a great time here at Chateau Johnson, it was one of the most enjoyable book club nights yet – if I do say so myself. I chose Bet Me, by Jennifer Crusie – something easy and fun – a summer read. I was very pleased to find that every member of the club gave it an “A.” Yeah me!

Sooo, if you have a bookclub, and decide to read Bet Me, here are some ideas (I know, they’re not extremely original, but fun all the same) to liven up the meeting:

Play Elvis &/or Elvis Costello music (I chose the King’s #1 hits cd)

Serve Lots of bread with REAL butter, Chicken Marsala, and Krispy Kremes. (We tried to make the Krispy Kreme cake, but it didn’t go very well). I also printed Min’s recipe for Chicken Marsala and gave each book club member a copy to keep.

Discussion questions:

What is your opinion of romance novels / chick lit as a genre?

Should Bet me be shelved/categorized as a Romance or simply Fiction?

Grade the book (and explain rationale).

Favorite character? Character you identify with/relate to most?

Did you like or hate Cindy?

Favorite LOL moments?

Who would you cast to play Cal and Min?

Write your own 1st sentence to the novel, starting, like Crusie does, “One upon a time…”

Would you read another Crusie?

After you burn through these questions, which should have made for some interesting conversations on their own – it’s time to play the “If” game. By now you and the other book club members have probably imbibed copious amounts of wine, and are perfectly primed for this activity. Based on the “If Dinners” that Min had with her best friends, the If game allows each book club member a chance to randomly choose a question from The Book Of If and ask it of all the other members, everyone answers the question before moving on to the next member who will select another question, and the process repeats itself. If you don’t have an absolute blast doing this, then, well, you need to get into a new book club.

Um, where are we going to dinner?

Ooops MomentsWrite a comment

So, tonight the husband and I experienced that rare occasion known as “an evening out.” You know, dinner, drinks, conversation – A DATE. There wasn’t a booster seat or chicken nugget in sight, and the only food I had to cut up was my own luscious salmon (which by the way, I was able to enjoy without hearing complaints about how my meal smelled like a “stinky monkey.”)

Funny thing though, hubby decided to choose the place: a relaxed, low-key place known for its awesome beer called The Firkin. We’ve always wanted to try this place, but haven’t had a chance – and well, we still haven’t. After parking in the back lot, we walk to the building and see a sign saying enter. so that’s just what we do. My first clue we may have made a mistake was when the host, Mr. Snooty Pink-Shirt, asks if we have a reservation. My spouse simply replies, “Do we need one?” Obviously not, because we are seated promptly at a nice little table by the window. Clue #2 arrives when Mr. Snooty Pink Shirt smothers us with the wine list, and I laugh and say, “Oh – we’re here for the beer,” causing the snooty-smirk on Mr. Snooty Pink Shirt’s face to crease several more degrees to the south. And finally, clue #3: the menu is emblazoned with the name The Tavern. Hmmm…well, I suppose, since the place we planned to patronize was, by definition, a tavern – then we could be in the right place…or, more likely, we were in the hoity-toity little restaurant next door that was actually called The Tavern.

Oops.

So, now we are faced with a decision…do we smile and run or stay and buy overpriced fish served by smarmy people in monochromatic colors?

Ah, what the hell, we stay.

The overpriced fish was very nice, and the conversation was wonderful – which, after all, was why we went out in the first place.

So, hubby, if you read this – thanks for the nice night out – I had a great time.

Maybe next date (which will hopefully happen in a month from now rather than a year from now) we can try Firkin…again.

I heart the Tudors

Cool Stuff, Movies, Time WastersWrite a comment

I really do. Many have an obsession with Will, Harry, Charlie and dear departed Di – but my royal interest zeroes in about 5 centuries ago – I love me some Tudor dynasty. Like most people who are fascinated with that era, my interest is bookended with Henry VIII and his daughter Elizabeth. I know more than my fair share about the lives of these historical figures, and that is why my fancy has been tickled to discover that a sequel to Elizabeth is in the works. Called, The Golden Age – it will focus on the events that lead to the zenith of Gloriana’s reign.  Oh happy day, a movie I can’t wait to see that doesn’t have a wizard, elf, or jedi in it.

I will sincerely miss Joseph Fiennes, who makes my little heart pitter patter faster; but I understand the omission since his character, Robert Dudley, did not play a significant role in the later part of the Queen’s reign. It’s ok, I’ll watch Shakespeare in Love and get over it (he’s better in that movie anyway).

Reviews by A.J.

Kids, Uncategorized, WebsiteWrite a comment

At the moment, my website consists entirely of this blog – but hopefully I can eventually expand upon it – adding various pieces of interest and categories to appeal to the masses and appease my cluttered brain.

Something I’d like to add is a series of music, movie, television, book, and even food reviews done by a guest reviewer; a person of extremely discriminating tastes, a wide variety of interests, someone who is open and honest, and unafraid to give voice to her inner-critic: in short, my 4 year old daughter.

And so begins the “Reviews by A.J.” Until I can do more work on the main page of my website, look for it here in the blog under the permanent pages section.

I’m a Winnah!

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I’ve just won my first ever internet contest! Well, 3rd place actually. And the prize is…the David Hasselhoff autobiography, and a Hoffplane.

How, how did I achieve such incredible awesomeness, you ask? With my entry in the SmartBitches LOLHoff contest! Lemme ‘splain: a while back, the Bitchery fell upon a site called LOLcats, which led to the development of LOLHunks, which, eventually, bred the contest for LOLHoffs. I’m not ashamed to admit it, but scouring the web for pics of Hoff and other “hunks,” photoshopping bad grammar and tasteless sexual advances onto them, and then releasing them onto an unsuspecting public is just delightful – and completely addictive.

In case you missed it – here’s my winning entry, in all its awesome glory:


There’s a back story to this, some inside humor if you will – that has to do with this guy, Tony Catanzarno (and here, I shall give you some examples of LOLhunks):

Basically, the Bitchery poked a bit of fun at Tony for claiming that a novel’s great sales were due to his great abs (the great writing had nothing to do with it, of course). A big ol’ debacle ensued that culminated with Mr Tony (or some web-troll posing as him) threatening to lock the girls who run the site in the trunk of his caddy and dump them off the interstate somewhere.

Since then, the trunk joke has lived happily evah after.

When it rains, it pours.

Home Repairs, Life SucksWrite a comment

Buckets.

Of sh*t.

Somewhere, someone must be laughing about this – I know I’m nearing the point where I burst into hysterical giggles. Ever see the movie, The Money Pit? That moment when Tom Hanks begins to cackle uncontrollably? I understand that now.

Problem #1: So the fridge crisis had been resolved for less than a week, when, much to my horror – I discover the basement is flooding…and it’s not raining. Seems our backup sub-pump was broken; the sub-pump that the condensation from the ac drains into. Yeah. The good news is my Dad was able to help me pull the disgusting, broken one out, buy a new one at – you guessed it – Appliance Valhalla (aka Home Depot), and install the shiny new one. So – the bad news is it cost me about $200, but the good news is that I saved about that much since I didn’t have to pay some dude to do the work for me. As an added bonus, I now know how to install a sub-pump, so when the main one decides to crap out (and it will, I have no doubt on that score) I can put my madskillz to work and install that puppy myself.

Problem #2: While fixing the sub-pump, I decided to fix the drain line from the AC – which had been leaking forever. I assumed it was just the cracked putty around the drain that was the problem – an easy, 10 minute fix for $10. Ha-ha, I’m such a fool. Turns out that the condensation pan under the A-coil has a hole rusted through it. After some research, I discover this is not a simple matter. The easiest and cheapest solution would be to reseal the pan – with a plastic liner or epoxy. Next would be to pull the old pan out and put in a new one – difficult and costly because the pan is not easy to remove, and getting a new pan that is the right size is also…not so easy. The last option – and the one that that HVAC guy who is coming later today will probably insist on – is to buy and install a whole new Acoil. Now, my initial research shows these to cost between $1500 and $2000.

I can feel that hysterical laughter bubbling to the surface again.

The kicker is that the AC is working f-i-i-i-i-i-ine. Perfectly! The unit is only 3 years old! What I didn’t know, is that when you buy a new ac unit, it doesn’t automatically come with a new a-coil. It’s like floor mats for your new car, or batteries: NOT INCLUDED. So, while our ac is relatively new, it’s heart is old and rusty. I guess the previous cheapa$$ owners (we moved here in ’05) didn’t opt for the floor mats. Apparently, the owners before that (who must’ve purchased the Acoil) didn’t opt for the rustproofing.

Guess who’s left with dirty floorboards to clean?

Lies It’s Ok To Tell Your Kids.

KidsWrite a comment

You’ve heard of Slacker Moms, right? Well, this is going to be the title of my book – which will include all sorts of lies it is perfectly justifiable to tell your tots; from the tiny little white lies: “The truck that makes music sells broccoli.” to the whoppers: “Let’s put that on the list to tell Santa.”

Other lies that earn the “ok” stamp include those which manage to avoid sticky situations, such as: “Yes, you’re right, boys do pee through their belly buttons.” and “Don’t touch the little mouse, he’s sleeping.”

So, what other, “truth adjustments” do you deem acceptable in the call of sane parenting?

All Hail the Appliance Gods.

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It appears they do exist, and heck, they don’t even need a shrine. After going to appliance Valhalla (aka: Home Depot) and choosing a shiny new fridge (which was delivered on Freyja’s Day, oh Happy Friday!) I am basking in their benevolence (aka: 0% interest). Here’s the kicker – a day after moving the malfunctioning  Maytag monster that used to be my fridge into the garage, I decided to play a little game of “what if” and plugged it in to see what would happen. I’ll be damned, the obstinate thing decided to work perfectly! So, I’m delighted to have a great new fridge and blissful that my husband won’t electrify himself trying to fix the old one; and while said husband looked at me with some suspicion when I told him the old fridge is “working great now!” he didn’t hesitate to stake his claim – declaring that the old fridge was now officially the “beer fridge” and was to be his sole domain – to remain untouched by non-alcoholic libations.

Whatever dude, the diet cokes and juice boxes are going in there too.

Do Appliance Gods Exist?

Home Repairs, Life SucksWrite a comment

If so, I’m building a shrine to him/her/them/it in my garage. It’ll be made from all the broken sh*t that has brought me to my knees, ready to pray to a higher power to come save the life of my (fill in the blank here) furnace, fridge, washer, dryer, etc. Are you there Appliance God? It’s me, Melonie.

So, last year it was the furnace that blew up – this summer our fridge is fried. Why can’t the fridge break when it’s cold enough outside to chill stuff in the garage, and the furnace break when it’s hot enough outside to fry an egg on the driveway? Why, Appliance God, why?!? Because the appliance God is one sadistic b*tch, that’s why.

Maybe, because I love to stroll the aisles of dept. stores and ooh and aaah at fridges, I committed some form of appliance hubris and brought this technological tragedy upon myself. I know the husband thinks so – he’s halfway convinced I did something to break the fridge just so I could buy a new one. Ha-ha, but no – I was simply waiting for the moment our fridge would breathe its last – will I EVER learn to be careful what I wish for?