If you’re a theatre-type person, you have probably, at some point, read, seen, or even performed the lil’ comedy by Chrostopher Durang known as “The Actor’s Nightmare” in which some sad schmo (how the hell do you spell schmo anyway?) finds himself the star of a play he has no knowledge of (I am aware of the dangling preposition, but feel it is appropriate, thank you). Well – I believe the director’s nightmare is some sad schmo who finds herself struggling to control a production in which ALL the actors seem to have no knowledge of. Sadly, I am living this nightmare right now – I just hope that the performances don’t end up giving me actual nightmares. Oh well, it will be over by the end of next week, and then I can put this production to rest…ha-ha.
Blog
20 minutes/day
Well, the first 20 days have passed and I actually was quite successful – until those last 2 days. Aaargh! Yes, my life is so busy that on Saturday & Sunday, I could not scrape together 20 minutes to work out. Between play performances and baking/wrapping/organizing for my daughter’s 4th birthday party – the weekend was here and gone before it even got started. Ah well – the question is, do I still give myself the reward I had planned for completing all 20 days? (The reward is new running shoes) I think I may have to go ahead and say yes – yes I shall reward myself. Usually, I am an all-or-nothing girl, and seem to enjoy denying myself if I feel I haven’t worked hard enough or done a good enough job – but, that approach has not been very successful – so maybe going a little easier on myself and accepting a few faults and shortcomings as ok will help me more. So, tomorrow I’m going to start the next round of 20 days – wearing my new running shoes.
2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Back
No, no – I’m not singing that crappy Paula Abdul song made even crappier by a horrible video with an animated cat – I’m referring to my on-going, everlasting, never ending struggle with my weight. Except instead of “2 steps forward,3 steps back” it’s “lose 3 lbs, gain 5 lbs back.” Seriously – WTF? When this happens I have to move past the “I hate my fat loser-self” mantra and the “all those miles ran and calories counted for nothing” rant, and find a way to try, try again. Yeah, so Yoda may have said there is not “try” only “do, or do not” but, well, I seem to be in the “do not” category. Hmmm…what would the Jedi Master’s weight loss plan look like? He’s already got the personal trainer gig down pat, what with making Jedis-in-training run around swamps carrying him on their shoulders and raising space ships in the air using only their minds. So…the Jedi Diet – maybe I’m on to something here.
Mail My Check/Deposit My Mail
Yep, that’s what I almost did today. Wednesdays kinda suck right now, as I juggle three jobs and a three year old – so, between job #1 and #2 I was trying to run a few errands, and I guess my mental check-list tripped out – I barely caught myself before jamming my checks and deposit slips into the mailbox at the post office. Oh boy, that would have been brilliant: “Hey, Mr. Post Office Man…Woman with facial hair, could you, um, open the mailbox? I dropped my checks in, and um, yeah.” Thing is, I probably would not have realized it until I tried to stuff my mail into the deposit tube at the bank, and by then – who knows.
Ah well, crisis averted by my momentary slip back into sanity.
Small Discoveries
I love the little moments when my daughter, Aishtyn, realizes a truth about the world aound her. It is such a delight to see her use her powers of deduction to discover the way things work. Things that seem so simple and obvious to me are new and fascinating to her, and through her eyes – become interesting for me. What fun to get a chance to experience these discoveries with her. One such moment occurred this morning – Aishtyn has a lust for butter, the girl could eat it as a meal itself, but I insist the stuff be attached to some more substantial item of consumption. This morning it was a warm biscuit, and as she munched away, she said to me, “Mama – sometimes butter melts.” I said, yes, that’s right. Thinking for a moment as she chewed her biscuit, she continued, “But not in the ‘fridgerator’.” I agreed this was true, and asked her why, and she said, “Well, it’s freezing in there!” So we continued to discuss snow in the cold that melts when it gets warm, ice cream, etc. We’re going to do an experiment with ice cubes later today.
Moment of genius? Maybe not, but I sure was proud.
Oh, the irony!
Ha-Ha,
Ok, so I realize the “I’m Not Fat!” announcement was posted on April Fool’s Day, and yes, the timing could be considered a cruel joke I played upon myself. But no, it’s just a pathetic coincidence, not the first in my life, and assuredly not the last.
Empire Falls…upon a truth.
So I finished Empire Falls this morning. Still don’t like the book, still felt it was in dire need of a good editor, but found that I had to at least give it a C+, rather than the C- I was originally contemplating. The upgrade is due to the well-crafted moments of truth a few of the characters reflect upon; my favorite of these comes from the character “Tick” the protagonist’s teenage daughter, who can’t decide whether life comes speeding at you or moves slowly along. She reflects that though some moments in life seem to come so fast that they take you by surprise, in reality, these events occur very gradually, over such an extended length of time, that we convince ourselves we have plenty of time to change things, to alter our course – to prevent what we see coming – but are lured into a false sense of security – and that is what allows us to be surprised.
Makes you think, huh?
Major News Flash- I’m Not Fat!
I love that commercial for, I think, Quaker Oatmeal. The one where all the women in it go through their daily routine with a scale chained to their ankle, dragging along behind them, while Willie Nelson croons “You Were Always on My Mind.” I never fail to chuckle with self-deprecating commiseration.
As I was looking up some info for diet and exercise, I came across this body fat calculator and, after entering the required info – check it out! I am on the lower side of acceptable!!! Yeah! So, while I still plan to continue working towards weight loss goals (I would love to be in the athletic range for body fat rather than merely acceptable) at least I know I am not obese!
I told my husband (who I will never reveal my actual weight to, just out of principle) about this, and he said, “Duh – I could have told you that, I know you’re not fat.”
I love that man.
The Biggest Jokester on April 1st is Mother Nature
It never fails, that tart Mother Nature reels us in with a few warm days (it was 70 degrees on Monday, 70! I got sunburnt!) We start thinking about summer dresses and sitting on the porch enjoying a drink…then bam! she gives us the cold shoulder. It is supposed to snow this week – snow, g-d-it!
Mother Nature, you evil little tease.
ItReallySucks
That’s just my juvenile acronym for the IRS…it sucks, really. Though I refer to myself as a SAHM (another acronym = stay-at-home-mom), I juggle 4 jobs (and I’m not counting motherhood as one of them). Most of these jobs are contracted work, so I’m considered self-employed. Which means I don’t pay taxes, or social security, or medicare during the year – so they beat it out of me in April.
To appease some of my misery, I have indulged in the petty act of creating new names for the IRS, keep in mind, The “I” does not refer to me, just some faceless employee of the IRS I am unfairly directing my anger towards.
I Really Smell
Internal Rectum Services
Idiot Retention Services
Inbred Rat Sales
Itchy Rental Suits
Ignorant Rude Smarmsters
Intestinal Revulsion Source
Incapable Redundant Shithead
I Reward Stupidity
Please comment and add your own interpretations of this horrid acronym.
Melonie Johnson 
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